Delays delayed

Oh China. In typical fashion, something's gone wrong with my return flight to the beautiful country. Am I cursed? I wasn't even changing at Pudong this time. Luckily, the impact is even bigger this time. I have to: delay a meeting with my supervisor about quitting and I have to completely cancel my two week travel plans, my last before I leave China for good. Did I mean luckily?

Anyway, let's think positive for a moment. The guy who helped me to re-book my flight, Dean, was very lovely and helpful. He may just have been grateful to speak to someone whose first language was English and who wasn't very, very irate. Also, I may be able to meet up with Luke later on in the travel diary (subject to the travel plans of the Chinese...during Chinese new year), so all is not lost(?) just yet.

It also gives me some time to sort out my impending post-China life. I still need to get a job, get an Ipad, change my bedroom around (which I now have no reason to put off), get rid of a lot of stuff and reply to some long unanswered letters from several government agencies. Things are looking up.

I suppose I'd be more irritated if I didn't a. live in London b. prefer London to China c. plan on coming back from China in a few weeks anyway d. feel like I hadn't had enough spaghetti bolognese to warrant leaving the country just yet. Maybe it was a sign. Complete unfinished business on home continent before taking on unfinished business in a second.

Anywho, by the time I write here again it will be the second in what's becoming a series of 'last posts', and will hopefully have some accompanying pictures from at least some time spent in China.

This is all dependent on whether or not China let's me back in. I think it knows I plan to leave....A woman scorned...

Getting it together/ The land of Jacks

I have been rubbish these past few weeks. I've been ill 2 times (about to be 3), I've been behind on marking these oral exams, haven't done any work on my Chinese or Japanese, haven't finished knitting my Christmas presents, haven't written any blog posts, haven't read the Economist... I'm a hot mess. And I need to get back on top of things.

Especially with my *drum roll please* holidays coming up! Yes, China has finally relented and told us when we're on holiday, and it's a looong time. But that doesn't mean I can just lag behind on stuff because I'm chillin' in London. Oh yeah, I'm coming back for a while. Thank. God. So I need to get on top of things.

First of all, I need to do some more applications. This is probably the most pressing thing for me at the moment, mainly because I currently have no future, but also because it encompasses a lot of other things I need to stay on top of. I need to keep up my languages so I can take some exams, but also because I have a nagging paranoia that I'm gonna get to one interview and someone's gonna break into Chinese and I need to not look back at them like a child that has no idea what's going on. I also need to stay on my reading, and therefore the law blog.

Secondly, I really need to book my flights. Getting the holiday is only half the job, and now I know that it's so much earlier than I thought it would be, flights are that much more expensive. My parents are making out like I'm going to have to pay for the flights, but to be honest they're the ones who want me, and if I tell the truth which 'I don't earn enough money for round trip flights to the UK' (my mum keeps talking abou Premium economy as well, like, what planet does she live on), I'm sure at least half the fare will sort itself out. So I need to get on that ASAP.

You may (or may not) be wondering about the double title. This is kind of a personal funny for me, because one element of the oral exam allows the students to pick an English name for themselves. Now, there are gender confusions all around, but the girls tend to be pretty good at it (except for a few stripper-esque names that I'm gonna have to let slide and hope they never leave the country).What I have discovered is, boys pick 1 of 3 names:
- Mike
- Bob
- and, of course, Jack
The boys aren't doing as well on the girls in the exam in general, but you can tell when someone comes out with an original name that they're probably gonna be slightly ahead of the game. Although, 'Macbeal' and 'Insert-a-series-of-indiscernible-syllables-here' were probably just as average as the other 800+ kid that did OK.

And that is the update. That, and Chinese medicine tastes a.w.f.u.l.

It's December? What?!

OK, so it's been a while since I posted anything. Not just because it takes some mad skillz to maintain 2 blogs on 2 completely different topics (as well as maintain a job, apply for other jobs, keep up with the world and just generally be amazing), but because time has really been flying here. I intended to write this post on Monday. It's Thursday. See what I mean.

Of course, time flying is a good thing. No one wants their weeks to drag, and by the time I'm complaining about Monday, it's already Wednesday. Also, teaching the same lesson 16 times a week really starts to take its toll by Thursday morning. Friday's classes are also not my favourite bunch, and poor class 11 has had to deal with more than one seething burst of impatience. The weekends make a nice escape - I usually go into Chengdu city (or 'town' as I like to call it, cos I is from London) for my business Chinese lesson and to attend some sort of social event with the help of my life-line, Charlie. We do have some fun. I also get to eat Western food on these occasions, something that my Xindu counterparts don't seem to appreciate/ relish the opportunity to do as much as I do.

One such event was a Christmas party held by the European, American and British Chambers of Commerce. That was great - there was Turkey, imported wine, a cake in the shape of a train and (wait for it) a Dessert Buffet. Yes, buffet. There were also musical performances, dancing performances, an auction for a very tacky pair of earrings, and an absolutely sickening amount of networking going on. I stuck to the wine. *As I type this, I was going to add some very charming photos of myself and said train-cake, only to accidentally delete them in the process. I apologise for my stupidity, and I will try and find a suitably funny gif to makeup for this lack of photos* 

Other updates....I'd like to say I'm progressing with my Sichuanese, but that would be a lie. Oh! The oral exams are coming up, yes that's right. It's going to be....hard. For me, I mean. The students only have to give a very basic speech of about 20 seconds and then answer a couple of questions. "So easy!" they exclaim. I have to sit through 900 such presentations. Joy. Of. Joys. Everyday I understand better and better how my teachers felt.

I've made my first law training contract application, and now have to prepare to take an unnecessarily challenging and pointless verbal reasoning exam, for which I actually have to study. Because if you don't study, you won't pass. Because the exam doesn't make sense. So in order to wade through the nonsense, you have to study. You see? No? Neither do I. Needless to say, it won't be my excellent essay question that lets my application down.  That's it really, sorry for making you wait so long for pretty much nothing. Nothing really changes in the village, though maybe that's a good thing...

And finally, that funny gif as promised:

WHEN I ANNOUNCE THAT WE'RE GOING TO PLAY HANGMAN

WHEN I ASK 'WHO WANTS TO COME UP AND WRITE ON THE BOARD?'

And then it was November

Time's really flying here, so quickly in fact that I didn't even realise that it's been 3 weeks since I posted anything. Time may be passing rapidly - we're already halfway through the first semester - but things here in the 农村 (nongcun, village) remain as routine as ever.

It was Andre's birthday recently, and I was happy to have finished knitting him the scarf I had been working on since the beginning of term. He seemed pretty happy with it, and it's getting cold fast here so I'm sure my hard work won't go unappreciated.

Maybe if you're lucky, I'll knit you something too.
But not Kishan. That's what you get for insulting knitting.

School goes on - the children are getting ever more used to me, although some classes have completely forgotten my name, and to be honest they're usually the ones I don't like that much, so I don't really care. It seems a bit harsh to say that, but I now understand why my teachers would get angry so easily (well, some of them) or just get fed up with us. Children are stupid, and they're extremely annoying. Especially when they don't care, but don't even make enough of an effort to avoid being noticed when they're doing something else. Imbeciles. Oh, and I have a bike now, which means I can cycle to school. It's the girliest, probably most useless bike ever, but i love it, and in my defense, it was very, very free.

Pink bike as given to me by Ms. Zeng. For some reason she likes me enough
to have lent me her bike for an entire year. I'm not complaining.

I've started business Chinese lessons in town - I don't know why I call it town, as if it's London, but I do mean the centre of Chengdu. My teacher, Sherry, is excellent, and it gives me an opportunity to practice my spoken Chinese to a high level, as well as giving  me a reason to get out of the village on the weekends. I also get to see Charlie, my interim China-lover, which is a huge bonus of course.

I've started applying for jobs again - I applied for one I didn't really want that much first to get back in to the swing of things.... hopefully I don't actually get it, because I feel that would be quite awkward. I'm currently writing up a list of all the companies (mainly law firms) that I want to apply to, I'm on 20-ish now and I want to get it up to 50. Yes, it seems like a lot, but I would actually like a job for next year, I have to start taking this seriously. I continue to watch too much TV, and have also begun to get addicted to a website called memrise, which is essentially a really creative flashcard website that's really good for language learning. Unfortunately, I'm falling behind my fellow teachers, which my competitive nature is starting to smart at. Essentially, I'm doing everything I can to stave of the monotony.

It's almost a pity that China can't go this long without it's annoyances/just being ridiculous. I have two days off this week. Where's the complaint, you ask? Oh believe you me, I'm not upset because I don't have work, I'm upset at the way in which I found out that I didn't have work. Because I did have to find out, you see, I wasn't told. Last week while Chris and I were sitting in the staff room, I happened upon a piece of paper that detailed mid-term exams for the junior school students taking place this Wednesday and Thursday. Obviously, as the exams were scheduled to take place all day, we wouldn't have to teach, and so we rejoiced. But a week passed and no one told us what was going to happen. Giving them the benefit of the doubt (lord knows why), I thought the school would tell us at our weekly meeting this Tuesday - a little late, but informed nonetheless. Nope. Kathy knew nothing about these planned exams, and only after several phone calls, discovered that 'Oh yes the foreign teachers don't have to come in'. So basically, if I wasn't able to read Chinese, and hadn't had the minimum required initiative to ask about it, Chris and I  would have gone into school at 7am, only to find that we don't have work, but maybe we will, so don't go anywhere. Thanks for that, China. I'm planning on writing a letter in Chinese to the headmaster about this - we're teachers too, not ornaments, please treat us as such. It's just rude, you know? It's not as if common courtesy is a cultural difference.

And that's the village newsletter for these 3 weeks. Stay tuned...

China day

Weird, wacky and sometimes just a little bit bad days - nowhere does it better than China. I say 'China day' it's been more like a China week, closing in on two weeks, and it's really been spreading its China-ness out. Some people - either those who have never lived here, or never known someone who has - may not know what a China day is. I would say there is no exact definition, everyone's experience is different, but the closest I can get is 'a day or series of occurrences that can only be summarised by the phrase: "This is China"'.

In one day I was interrogated by some students about my relationship status (a class that had miraculously gone from my naughtiest class to a group of angels, which was weird enough), got hit in the face by a bus door, made someone miss the bus just by being on it (apparently, even in the small town of Xindu, there are some people who still haven't seen the foreigners), and was almost unable to discipline a student. Note the use of 'almost'. It was the second time I had to get angry in Chinese. Not impressed. And that was just Tuesday.

WHEN CHINESE SCHOOL-CHILDREN GIVE ME ATTITUDE

I did actually make him leave the classroom after a serious
ABW talk down. In Chinese. What up.

I'm mostly unimpressed because, for the second week in a row, I only have a one day weekend. Seems legit. Oh no wait, no it isn't. Lemme ask you 2 questions China: 1. Why do you feel that holidays are a sin, and have to be made up for with weekends? Just keep your f'in holidays, I don't want them. 2. IF SPORTS DAY IS NOT PART OF THE CURRICULUM, WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE IT? That is all.

Also, my light fixture literally fell off my ceiling, almost killing me, and somehow took half a week to fix.

It also seems to be the week that people need my help, for one reason or another. I've been roped into doing a bi-lingual speech AND make-up for a class meeting, as well as trying to remember all the different games that one might play to facilitate English learning, not to mention giving advice to a teacher who must have been teaching for at least 25 years on a class that is going to be televises on national TV, even though I've been at the job for about 3 weeks. For some reason the teachers think I'm great, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it means getting asked a lot of questions about things I think I'm wholly unqualified to answer. Everyone apparently thinks I'm 'easy-going' though, including the students, which is nice.

It doesn't help on a normal day that most of my kids are a bit weird. It's partly a mix of being 11-12 and being Chinese. No offense. But Chinese people can be a bit strange sometimes. I'm sure they're not strange in their own country - after all, if everyone's acting in a certain way, how could it be out of place for you to do the same. But children shouting 'Foreign teacher!' or actually gasping and jumping out of my way when I walk down a corridor - or even worse, giggling - is getting a bit old now. It's been a month now and I know they're children and I know that this is the first time most of them have ever seen a foreigner in the flesh let alone spoken to one, but when the teachers continue to point out the fact that you're a foreigner too, you start to realise that maybe this isn't even a passing phase. Oh, and if you want to know if I can speak Chinese, just ask. Although I do enjoy it when people make comments about me when I walk into a room, assuming I won't understand. Please, even the kids know I speak Chinese now.

By the way, I also have a job. I wake up at sometime between 5:45-6:15 most days. China really does know how to make you work for it sometimes. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and figure out what my dreams are so I can give a speech about them. No points for guessing what won't be on the list.

Baptism by fire

Guys! Guys, Guys, Guys!! I climbed a mountain.

Emei Mountain to be precise. I deserve... I don't know what I deserve, but I know a medal ain't gonna cut it. 1st of all, many of you who know me well (or even just a little) may know that I'm not an 'outdoorsie' person. That's not to say I'm not athletic - I enjoy sports and am actually very competitive. Haha 'actually'. But you know what I'm trying to say. Many a loved one has tried to convince me to go 'camping' or 'hiking' or 'to a festival' and, sorry people, but with my hygiene standards, not showering for up to 2 days is just not an option. And don't even start with that shared facilities bull cause I can hear you, Martin, and it's just never happening.

2nd reason why this is a considerable feat - the mountain is considerably high. Like, 10,000 ft high. It's really f'in high. And we climbed it in 2 days. 2 d.a.y.s. All the Chinese people were like 'whhhhaaattt' even we were kind of like 'ooommmgggg'. Most people climbed for 3 days. On the first day alone we climbed uphill (of course, because it's a mountain) for 10 hours. There were some 'downhill' bits, but one thing I learned is that, in mountain climbing, down must always be paid for with up. And there was considerable up. There was this one bit, called 'The 99 turns', and we were all like "oh, that's just a name, it must be an exaggeration", but it wasn't an exaggeration, there were actually 99 turns, and every time you turned, into the frickin mist, there were more stairs, and the stairs just never ended, and if I ever have a nightmare again, I just know it's going to be about steps. Going up. Never ending. Steps. *shudder*

Starting off on our journey

We thought this was the summit at one point.
It wasn't.

This was though

Monkeeeeys. Baby monkeeeyyyss

But it was also fun, there were monkeys that stole things from people, and lots of pretty scenery to look at. But I think in the end we were just so focused on getting to the top of the bloody thing that we may have forgotten parts of the enjoyment ESPECIALLY AS IT WAS INSISTED UPON THAT WE TAKE THE LONG WAY AROUND WITH NO DRIVING/CABLE-CARING TO HELP US WHICH MEANT WALKING 32KM ON THE FIRST DAY BECAUSE OTHERWISE WE WOULD MISS THE COOLEST STUFF AND WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT. Not that I'm blaming anyone.

We took the left (really long, windy) path and stayed at the temple just across the bridge (YuXian Temple) on the first night.

Staying in a monastery was an interesting experience. We essentially had to stay in their basement as we got there pretty late, and shared a row of floor mattresses with about 15 other people. Some ladies tried to kick up a fuss that they didn't want to share a room with boys, and tried to get someone to persuade me to be a buffer between them and these young, very innocent and friendly Chinese lads. Luckily, this is where I was able to employ my ever-handy skill of 'pretend you don't speak Chinese and ignore all the Chinese people'. It worked. I got to sleep at the end :). The lights stayed on and there were bugs EVERYWHERE, but we got to lie down for about 11 hours so there wasn't really too much to complain about.

A temple emerges from the mist

The second day only involved a moderate 7 hours of climbing, and the night was much more comfortably spent in a hotel. To be fair, after all that walking I did feel like I had earned the sunrise so accurately portrayed in the map above, unlike the tons of Chinese people who just got driven up on the day, then took the cable car to the top. Some people walked for a couple of hours from the car park near the top and more than a few of them had the nerve to actually complain on the way up. And the way down! Let's just say Chinese people walk how they drive - they don't know what they're doing and should stop immediately and leave it to the professionals. I didn't know it was possible to have an entire nation of slow walkers. It didn't help that half of the stopped in inappropriate places, missing the designated rest stops only to walk 5 steps and decide to take a break on the steps. And I swear to God, if one more person had stopped us (and by us I mean Luke) to take a picture or pointed out the fact that we were, indeed, foreigners, I don't think my pilgrimage would have ended in such a holy and spectacular way.

10 THINGS I LEARNT BY CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN

1. No pain no gain - sure you could just pay to drive/cable-car you 9/10ths of the way, but that would make you a tourist, not a mountain climber. Nothing makes those, views, temples and sunrises taste more like victory than walking 50km to earn them.

2. Climbing up 3000 metres in 17 hours over 2 days may be considered lunacy by some.

But f*** the haters, do things your way.

3. Take in the scenery - you've got a long way to go in a short space of time, but it's a marathon (trust me) not a sprint. Besides, photo stops = leg stops.

4. Altitude sickness is a real thing

5. Take the path less traveled - avoid the crowds/Chinese masses, meet some intrepid explorers like yourself and climb it together. Believe me, you'll need the mutual encouragement.

We made it! Taking a break at the cable-car stop

6. People who sell food at tourists attractions have a monopoly and are usually running some sort of cartel.Take double the amount of money you need when travelling, and that should just about cover it.

7. Don't stop drinking water. Ever. It's not like you're ever going to need to pee. 

8. Stretch and massage EVERY muscle before bed for at least 4 days during and after strenuous activity. Leave no stone un-turned. You'll regret it if you do.

9. Eat anything; sleep anywhere (courtesy of Luke)

10. There are only so many rites of passage one can partake in in life. Take every opportunity that presents itself, even if it turns out to be a baptism by fire.

My first week of school

My first week of school? But I've been teaching since last Monday! How could it possibly still be my first week? These are questions I ask myself every day. There is only one answer: China.

Yes, I did indeed start teaching last Monday. But then there was a 1-day holiday. 'What's the problem then?' You ask. Well, that holiday fell on a Thursday. 'But what's the point in missing Thursday then going to work on Friday?' China asks itself. 'I know, let's move the weekend back one day!' GREAT. But wait, that means I have to work on Sunday and have a 6-day week. That's OK though...except on Wednesday you have to teach Friday's lessons, and on Sunday you teach Wednesday's lessons. Confused yet? Well, guess what's happening next week...National Day! Which means a whole week off school! Oh but wait, that means I have to work this weekend as well. So it's an 8-day working week. An 8-day working week. And just in case you weren't already infuriated and confused on my behalf, on Friday I will teach Monday's classes, on Saturday Tuesday's classes, and on Sunday....Friday's classes. So I'm working Sunday to Sunday, and last week I only taught 3 days. So basically, my first week of school just. won't. end.

But enough whinging, how's the actual teaching going? Good, I would say. Not bad, not so fantastic I want to die because I know I'll never experience anything better, but good. Good+. The students are largely well-behaved - and even when they're not, they're not naughty like how we were back in school. Their major offences include talking while I'm talking and giving me some back chat, and that's really only one class. I'm firm but fair really, and to be honest the repeat offenders have some of the best English out of all my students, and take part in the lesson even when I make the stand against the wall. I teach grade 7, and it's just so amusing when 12 year olds try and give me attitude, or think that I can't see them not paying attention. They get so shocked when I get in their face and make them stand up and answer questions in front of the entire class. But these misdemeanors are barely worth mentioning: some classes are good, some classes are amazing, and some classes are like drawing blood from a stone, but I think I'm making progress.

It's also great to see the students' reactions when they find out I can speak/write Chinese. If they don't understand something (after I've explained it for the 10th time with big gestures and small words) then I may write it in Chinese - reactions range from applause to shrieking. It's a good moment. 

THE FIRST TIME I WRITE CHINESE CHARACTERS ON THE BOARD

Something that's interesting about Chinese kids is the fact that attitudes tend to be class based. If a class is good at English, all 60 of them are quick and will get what I'm saying immediately. Class 13 are useless. Full stop. Class 14 are all excited to be there, classes 15 and 6 are scarily intelligent, and class 8 are naughty in a way that occasionally makes me want to slap them, but are also a class of jokers....who are actually pretty good at English. It's kind of weird, sort of like there's no individual personality - though the real jokers (and those who have learnt English before) stand out. 

They were also alllll really excited to see me (and Chris, the other teacher at the junior school) for the first lessons, and even nearing the end of week 3 there are still students yelling "外教!" (waijiao, foreign teacher) in the corridor when we walk past. I think they're slowly getting used to us though, a few of the students are even friendly, and some of them are genuine friends. There'll be more on the 'English corner kids' in a different post - they deserve a private mention. Needless to say, I think the novelty is slowing but surely wearing off...at least in the classroom it is.

WHEN I WRITE A CHARACTER ON THE BOARD INCORRECTLY

The teachers are a mixed bag. the English teachers of the classes I teach are largely friendly and, again, some of them are making efforts to be friends. The material for the classes is pretty unimaginative, so some of them are a little too impressed by the fact that I get the students up and moving in the first lesson. Most of them know that I speak Chinese, and I've made one friend who actually makes an effort to practice with me. Most of the staff don't know however, so it's interesting to see what they have to say...although it's irritating when I'm not in a good mood. To be fair, it's usually just comments on the fact that I exist ('Oh look, one of the foreign teachers' 'The foreign teacher is here, they don't speak Chinese, do they?') or comments on my outfit/figure....and by figure I mean booty. I must say, they're usually quite favourable - I've been told I resemble Halle Berry more than once, which is, of course, a complete fallacy.

Ok, boring post about teaching, I know. To make up for it, here are some pictures of pandas. We went to the reserve (which is surprisingly near our town) during the Mid-Autumn Festival and the place itself - as well as the pandas - is beautiful and incredible. I'd definitely be willing to go again if any future visitors are interested.

Wait, of course you are. It's pandas.

Pandas - Po and Dede

Panda eating whilst on side

Panda eating whilst on back...seriously, all they did was
lie down and eat. Pretty sweet deal.

BABY. PANDAS.

Moving image - as proof that I really was there...
and that the pic with me and the pandas wasn't super-imposed

Be jealous. Be very jealous.