China day

Weird, wacky and sometimes just a little bit bad days - nowhere does it better than China. I say 'China day' it's been more like a China week, closing in on two weeks, and it's really been spreading its China-ness out. Some people - either those who have never lived here, or never known someone who has - may not know what a China day is. I would say there is no exact definition, everyone's experience is different, but the closest I can get is 'a day or series of occurrences that can only be summarised by the phrase: "This is China"'.

In one day I was interrogated by some students about my relationship status (a class that had miraculously gone from my naughtiest class to a group of angels, which was weird enough), got hit in the face by a bus door, made someone miss the bus just by being on it (apparently, even in the small town of Xindu, there are some people who still haven't seen the foreigners), and was almost unable to discipline a student. Note the use of 'almost'. It was the second time I had to get angry in Chinese. Not impressed. And that was just Tuesday.

WHEN CHINESE SCHOOL-CHILDREN GIVE ME ATTITUDE

I did actually make him leave the classroom after a serious
ABW talk down. In Chinese. What up.

I'm mostly unimpressed because, for the second week in a row, I only have a one day weekend. Seems legit. Oh no wait, no it isn't. Lemme ask you 2 questions China: 1. Why do you feel that holidays are a sin, and have to be made up for with weekends? Just keep your f'in holidays, I don't want them. 2. IF SPORTS DAY IS NOT PART OF THE CURRICULUM, WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE IT? That is all.

Also, my light fixture literally fell off my ceiling, almost killing me, and somehow took half a week to fix.

It also seems to be the week that people need my help, for one reason or another. I've been roped into doing a bi-lingual speech AND make-up for a class meeting, as well as trying to remember all the different games that one might play to facilitate English learning, not to mention giving advice to a teacher who must have been teaching for at least 25 years on a class that is going to be televises on national TV, even though I've been at the job for about 3 weeks. For some reason the teachers think I'm great, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it means getting asked a lot of questions about things I think I'm wholly unqualified to answer. Everyone apparently thinks I'm 'easy-going' though, including the students, which is nice.

It doesn't help on a normal day that most of my kids are a bit weird. It's partly a mix of being 11-12 and being Chinese. No offense. But Chinese people can be a bit strange sometimes. I'm sure they're not strange in their own country - after all, if everyone's acting in a certain way, how could it be out of place for you to do the same. But children shouting 'Foreign teacher!' or actually gasping and jumping out of my way when I walk down a corridor - or even worse, giggling - is getting a bit old now. It's been a month now and I know they're children and I know that this is the first time most of them have ever seen a foreigner in the flesh let alone spoken to one, but when the teachers continue to point out the fact that you're a foreigner too, you start to realise that maybe this isn't even a passing phase. Oh, and if you want to know if I can speak Chinese, just ask. Although I do enjoy it when people make comments about me when I walk into a room, assuming I won't understand. Please, even the kids know I speak Chinese now.

By the way, I also have a job. I wake up at sometime between 5:45-6:15 most days. China really does know how to make you work for it sometimes. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and figure out what my dreams are so I can give a speech about them. No points for guessing what won't be on the list.

Baptism by fire

Guys! Guys, Guys, Guys!! I climbed a mountain.

Emei Mountain to be precise. I deserve... I don't know what I deserve, but I know a medal ain't gonna cut it. 1st of all, many of you who know me well (or even just a little) may know that I'm not an 'outdoorsie' person. That's not to say I'm not athletic - I enjoy sports and am actually very competitive. Haha 'actually'. But you know what I'm trying to say. Many a loved one has tried to convince me to go 'camping' or 'hiking' or 'to a festival' and, sorry people, but with my hygiene standards, not showering for up to 2 days is just not an option. And don't even start with that shared facilities bull cause I can hear you, Martin, and it's just never happening.

2nd reason why this is a considerable feat - the mountain is considerably high. Like, 10,000 ft high. It's really f'in high. And we climbed it in 2 days. 2 d.a.y.s. All the Chinese people were like 'whhhhaaattt' even we were kind of like 'ooommmgggg'. Most people climbed for 3 days. On the first day alone we climbed uphill (of course, because it's a mountain) for 10 hours. There were some 'downhill' bits, but one thing I learned is that, in mountain climbing, down must always be paid for with up. And there was considerable up. There was this one bit, called 'The 99 turns', and we were all like "oh, that's just a name, it must be an exaggeration", but it wasn't an exaggeration, there were actually 99 turns, and every time you turned, into the frickin mist, there were more stairs, and the stairs just never ended, and if I ever have a nightmare again, I just know it's going to be about steps. Going up. Never ending. Steps. *shudder*

Starting off on our journey

We thought this was the summit at one point.
It wasn't.

This was though

Monkeeeeys. Baby monkeeeyyyss

But it was also fun, there were monkeys that stole things from people, and lots of pretty scenery to look at. But I think in the end we were just so focused on getting to the top of the bloody thing that we may have forgotten parts of the enjoyment ESPECIALLY AS IT WAS INSISTED UPON THAT WE TAKE THE LONG WAY AROUND WITH NO DRIVING/CABLE-CARING TO HELP US WHICH MEANT WALKING 32KM ON THE FIRST DAY BECAUSE OTHERWISE WE WOULD MISS THE COOLEST STUFF AND WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT. Not that I'm blaming anyone.

We took the left (really long, windy) path and stayed at the temple just across the bridge (YuXian Temple) on the first night.

Staying in a monastery was an interesting experience. We essentially had to stay in their basement as we got there pretty late, and shared a row of floor mattresses with about 15 other people. Some ladies tried to kick up a fuss that they didn't want to share a room with boys, and tried to get someone to persuade me to be a buffer between them and these young, very innocent and friendly Chinese lads. Luckily, this is where I was able to employ my ever-handy skill of 'pretend you don't speak Chinese and ignore all the Chinese people'. It worked. I got to sleep at the end :). The lights stayed on and there were bugs EVERYWHERE, but we got to lie down for about 11 hours so there wasn't really too much to complain about.

A temple emerges from the mist

The second day only involved a moderate 7 hours of climbing, and the night was much more comfortably spent in a hotel. To be fair, after all that walking I did feel like I had earned the sunrise so accurately portrayed in the map above, unlike the tons of Chinese people who just got driven up on the day, then took the cable car to the top. Some people walked for a couple of hours from the car park near the top and more than a few of them had the nerve to actually complain on the way up. And the way down! Let's just say Chinese people walk how they drive - they don't know what they're doing and should stop immediately and leave it to the professionals. I didn't know it was possible to have an entire nation of slow walkers. It didn't help that half of the stopped in inappropriate places, missing the designated rest stops only to walk 5 steps and decide to take a break on the steps. And I swear to God, if one more person had stopped us (and by us I mean Luke) to take a picture or pointed out the fact that we were, indeed, foreigners, I don't think my pilgrimage would have ended in such a holy and spectacular way.

10 THINGS I LEARNT BY CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN

1. No pain no gain - sure you could just pay to drive/cable-car you 9/10ths of the way, but that would make you a tourist, not a mountain climber. Nothing makes those, views, temples and sunrises taste more like victory than walking 50km to earn them.

2. Climbing up 3000 metres in 17 hours over 2 days may be considered lunacy by some.

But f*** the haters, do things your way.

3. Take in the scenery - you've got a long way to go in a short space of time, but it's a marathon (trust me) not a sprint. Besides, photo stops = leg stops.

4. Altitude sickness is a real thing

5. Take the path less traveled - avoid the crowds/Chinese masses, meet some intrepid explorers like yourself and climb it together. Believe me, you'll need the mutual encouragement.

We made it! Taking a break at the cable-car stop

6. People who sell food at tourists attractions have a monopoly and are usually running some sort of cartel.Take double the amount of money you need when travelling, and that should just about cover it.

7. Don't stop drinking water. Ever. It's not like you're ever going to need to pee. 

8. Stretch and massage EVERY muscle before bed for at least 4 days during and after strenuous activity. Leave no stone un-turned. You'll regret it if you do.

9. Eat anything; sleep anywhere (courtesy of Luke)

10. There are only so many rites of passage one can partake in in life. Take every opportunity that presents itself, even if it turns out to be a baptism by fire.